Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Private

I let you in

so you can push me out

you bring me up

then you let me down

I long for immunity

I crave your touch

I’m blinded by how I want you so much

I let you in

I let myself go

You're all I think…all I know

Love is sweet and then it stings

Lies can never give me wings

it’s superficial and it’s hard to admit

still these feelings I keep in a tight grip

your love goes in and out like the tide

To avoid getting hurt sometimes I hide

You say one thing

you do another

and make me wonder if your with another

it’s so hard

I can’t decide

do I stay and swallow my pride?

Second chances are tough and they don’t come cheap

One must give in and sometimes that makes me feel weak

I can stay quiet, I can forget

because if I act I may feel regret

Sometimes love is a treasure

then it can be a curse

I need to know which before I begin another verse.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Time

Time passes so quickly. I can’t even keep track of it.

I remember listening to the song ‘22’ by Lily Allen when I was 22 in Korea.

It feels like yesterday I was there. I have a vivid memory of walking out of my apartment to go to work with that song playing. It was Spring, I was beginning to get used to maneuvering around the city. I had just learned the quickest way to get to work so that I could get lunch and coffee beforehand -catch up on some reading and grading. It isn’t yesterday though…it’s practically 2 years ago. I am 24 now…wow.

What happens to time? Where does it go? It’s funny how it works. We remain, but time disappears. Only memories keep…and even they may have a shelf-life

Friday, September 17, 2010

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I am fed up with tons of things right now. More things than I can count on my own appendages probably, so I won’t bother naming them all here.

Primarily though, I am sick of fighting and getting taken advantage of. I feel like I have always been the primary fighter for my relationships, be they friendly or otherwise. I’m over it. I’m exhausted…the returns are never worth it (I get forgotten or overlooked) and people get lazy when I take charge and then expect me to do all the work henceforth. Fighting for something is one of the most obvious ways to show that you care (I’m pretty sure I have written a whole blog entry about this before) and when the people you care most about cannot even muster the strength, for ten minutes, to put up a good fight it’s like a huge slap in the face…and to be honest, my face feels really raw right now.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A means to an End

So there is one thing that everyone must do, that everyone has in common. That is, everyone needs to work. Be it for fiscal means, something to bide time, or just a hobby. The thing is though once we start, it begins to impede on our lives. Work begins to take over, it’s our everything because it sustains our existence….but it ISN’T the reason for our existence. I don’t mind working, in fact, I like it a lot. I feel like it gives me a certain fulfillment I don’t get from just anything…a sense of accomplishment. I don’t want it to engulf my life though…and I don’t want it to be the reason I wake up each day. There is so much more out there and so much more to live for…but when the whole of society is telling us that this is what we should do, how do we break away from that….how do we diverge without seeming like a flake, uncommitted, unreliable, irresponsible? Why can’t the opposite be a norm? Why can’t jobs just be a means to an end?

The Silver Screen Versus the Street Scene

“In 1924, projectionist Harry C. Williams coated the white cloth screen (movies were viewed on) with silver paint to better reflect the light of the movies.**”

As an industry, Hollywood has painted the men silver. They have changed their DNA to appeal to women.

Namely, romantic comedies have a handle on how to portray love and they sell it ingeniously. The men in the movies are almost always drool-worthy, and if they aren’t they have some sort of major redeeming quality (like grandiose gestures or cute/sweet rhetoric) I could cite a billion movies while writing this, but the idea is simple. The basis of romance should not spur from watching these movies…unfortunately, it does.

The silver screen shows us life how we would want it to be - not how it is. There’s a happy ending…a heart-wrenching speech…a chase to declare love. Out in the real world, these things don’t happen. Men don’t ramble on about their feelings, they don’t scramble around screaming they love you, and they certainly don’t all have perfect abs. To top it off, finding a man that fulfills those criteria (in the real world) is damn near impossible to locate. There’s a common thread in silver screen men though…something that differentiates between a silver screen male and a street male: that’s femininity. Men in movies tend to possess some feminine qualities. They like to talk, they say how they feel, they emasculate themselves to please the lady…they are also can be extremely masculine: they have good builds, they can be jerks, they drink, the have man caves, etc… They do all this seamlessly and simultaneously to form what we think is ideal.

It’s the combination of these two extremes -the synthesis- that create the perfect male for women, the one that doesn’t exist (or rarely shows his face). Because we (women) want the man to be sensitive, but we also want him to be full of testosterone. No woman wants a man who just simply fulfills the ‘feminine’ side of the spectrum. It’s unnatural, too needy, and just down right annoying. On the same side of the token, it is unnatural for many men to be both feminine and masculine. There’s a reason we’re different and attracted to our opposites. “So, now what?”, you may be thinking. Well, now you just have to sit back and accept the fact that everyone is human. It is hypocritical of us to expect them to be perfect when we are not. And although theses movies have taught us that men should be chasing us around the world to woo us back to them…they are just that, movies:fiction, an escape from reality not an extension of it. Every now and then something exceptional will happen in your life, a man will do something out of character and special…cherish those moments. The more you appreciate them, perhaps the more they will occur.

Love, M

**Read more: What is the origin of the term “Silver Screen”? | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/6512#ixzz0zNaljXqj

Gazing into the Past: Confronting the Future

While reading my old journal (one that I have had since 1998) I have realized many things about myself. I am self-centered, shallow, naive, and a little ridiculous. But, I’m human - so I guess that’s okay. To be honest, so much has occurred since the last time I penned anything serious about my life, and there is no way I can simply put a bullet point list of things that have made me, me.

However, I can say that life takes so many unexpected turns, it’s truly unbelievable. You think you want something, regardless of what it is, and next you realize you were ‘misled’ by your own desires.

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I have learned thus far- we don’t know everything. Even the things we think we are most sure of, like aspects about ourselves…I don’t mean this in a negative way either. As we mature we gain a deeper personal knowledge. We think about things in retrospect. We learn more about ourselves, our choices, and our true ambitions. The thing that ceases to amaze me is that they are ever-changing, our wants. If we blindly follow what we think we know about ourselves and don’t question, even our own desires, we might be jeopardizing our future happiness.

The past is only a prologue to the future.

On small wooden boards outside a shrine in Shibuya-Tokyo, Japan; they were in all different languages expressing hopes of all different varieties. One common bond is that at one point or another they will either come true or change into something else…

If you want to see what I was up to in Korea you can visit this site!